We are three months into our adoption and I keep thinking that I should have some insight by now to tell others who may be starting the journey. Someone asked me to be a guest panelist on a blog for older children adoptions and after 2 weeks, the questions are still sitting in my inbox, unanswered. I don't like the feeling of an unanswered email, but I just can't bring myself to offer information that might be taken as advice on something that I am still muddling through. Because frankly, I am still searching for answers myself, every single day.
Don't get me wrong. We have come far in 3 months. The challenges we faced initially are not so much challenges anymore, and our children have made great strides in learning English and gaining a taste for American food, which are the two biggies. And if I were honest, I would tell you that much of the challenge now lies within myself. Therefore, whenever I do gain insight relating to the state I am in, I get a little excited and want to share it with anyone who will listen, whether they are adopting or not.
When I say that I am searching for answers, I mean that I pray multiple times a day, crying out to God for his help and wisdom. I have learned (thankfully) that no blog, facebook group, article, or other adoptive mother can give me the answers I need for my family. Every family is different and if I were to compare our situation with any other, or to simply apply what other families have done, I would get nowhere. That leaves me with a big need and not many easy answers. You see, I have a preteen daughter that speaks another language, 4-year-old twin boys (basically), and two other children that are trying to find their place in the family, like any other child would be. Are you shuddering yet?
In my weakest moments, I often ask myself or my husband, "why me? I am not cut out for this. What was God thinking? Seriously???" I am definitely no Jen Hatmaker, Michelle Duggar, or Alicia Rowe (wink wink). I am not a barrel of fun, I lean towards introversion, and I lack the self discipline needed to properly manage a homeschool and family of 7. I like to sleep in and have yet to conquer mornings! (I really thought that I would be a morning person when I became a mother, because that is a sure sign of a good one :)). So once again, this leaves quite the GAP when it comes to the needs of my family and my capabilities.
God just happens to think differently, I do believe. After I left my daughter's room the other night, feeling disappointed because of my inability to connect with her, I turned straight to this verse: "But, Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord. For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends." (2 Corinthians 10:17-18). I often get caught up in what I am doing wrong or how every single thing I do affects one of my 5 innocent children who are looking to me for love, acceptance, guidance, and strength. I want to throw my hands up and scream, "Stop watching me! I'm not a good role model!" Thankfully, this scripture lets me of the hook. Even if I was the ideal adoptive mother, it wouldn't matter a hill of beans to the one who does matter.
We have talked about Mary, the mother of Jesus quite a bit in our home. Our children come from a traditional religious background that holds her in the highest regard. As Christmas surrounds us, we are faced with this woman who considered herself a "humble servant," yet is highly esteemed by many. I got to hear my dad preach last Sunday on "Mary's Song" which is found in the 1st chapter of Luke. As Dad pointed out, Mary only sought to magnify God. She could have argued all the reasons why she was not a good choice to be the mother of Jesus (as there were several), but instead she focused on the goodness and faithfulness of her God. She might not have known how God would orchestrate all the details of her life or her heart for that matter, to go through the life and death of her baby boy. But instead of doubting, wondering, and fearing (as I am so prone to do), she said, "My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior" (Luke 1:46-47).
I am in no way attempting to compare myself with the Beloved Mother of Jesus, but I can't help but think that God wants me to learn from her life. She too had a gap between what God called her to do and the responsibility/influence she had as being the mother of the King of Kings. Can you just imagine the pressure? I wonder how many times Joseph had to talk her off the ledge and remind her that it was God who would see them through, not their own capabilities or successful parenting. I don't know if she was as insecure a mother as I am, but I do know that the same God that was faithful to Mary is faithful to me and my family.
"But, Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord. For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends." (2 Corinthians 10:17-18).
